And then there's the problem of Sean. He's this incredible guy I met on New Years' Eve. He's everything I'd ever want in a guy. The problem is that I discovered in July 2009 I didn't just want guys. I fell in love with this amazing girl named Josey. She had been my best friend since 6th grade and then it was the summer before our freshman year.
The summer of 2009 was magical. Josey and I were inseparable. I remember the nights when we would just lie there and stare up at the stars, talking about what we thought the world was and endless lyrics. I remember the night that Jesse and Cody were out in Obetz with us. Jesse was the first to leave. Cody wasn't even planning too anytime soon and neither was I. Mom was drunk. I was staring up at the moon thinking about beauty. She looked at me and asked her daughter, Josey, "Why doesn't this girl think she's beautiful??" Josey simply replied "I don't know." in a tone that implied she'd like to know the answer also. I was taken aback. I'd never even given a thought to being any type of beautiful in anyone's eyes. I'd given that up long ago.
Later that night, Josey, Cody and I all laid in her bed staring up at the light beyond the ceiling fan. Josey and I were so tired and lazy we made Cody get up and change the cd and turn off the light. While he was up doing that, we took each others hands. She asked "Wonder what we would think if we woke up like this??" I didn't care. I wanted to stay like that. Unfortunately, Cody was done and our hands were in his spot. She released my hand and, like it still does today, my heart floated away. Like she had become the thing that was holding me to the world. I felt shattered but I ignored it because I couldn't comprehend what it meant. That became the one of the signs that I loved her. The others being holding her during a storm, laying on the bottom bunk of the bed at her grandparents, cuddling for no other apparent reason than because it felt right, and getting (for lack of a better word) butterflies when she told our friend Ryan that if he left she could turn me bi if she wanted to.
In July, Ryan told me that she liked me. I didn't believe him. I couldn't comprehend how such an amazing, loved, wanted, incredible person could want me. I dismissed it easily. Later, when I told her, she was quiet for the rest of the night. It scared me because we'd never had a silence like that. It was awkward. Like there were things going unsaid and when I'd felt that before I'd just bug it out of her but this was different. Like there was no possible way I could get it out of her.
A couple weeks later I had a dream. It told me everything I needed to know about myself. About Us.
On July 24, Josey had decided to stay at my house. There was no decision at that point by our parents if we were together or not. It was just a constant reality. Ryan had just broken up with me and Cody wanted back with me. Jesse was worrying her, once again. We eventually got bored sitting in my room so she hopped up and said we were going for a walk.
When this girl said walk, I thought she meant stroll in the park. Unfortunately, she meant hike in the woods and I had a skirt on. I fell in the frickin mud! But I did notice that she had never looked more beautiful than laughing at me in the sun through the trees that day.
When She finally wanted to turn out the light, I asked her if we could wait just a couple of minutes. I was shaking but I pulled out my notebook, ripped out a crude sheet of paper and wrote 'I think I'm bi' on it and threw it at her. I didn't have the courage to say it out loud.
We discussed it over the next, I don't even know how long. I told her about the dream. She asked me who I think I liked. I told her that she knew what the dream was about and she should conclude herself. She took my hand again and I felt an electric current between us. I told her I was very not confused but dizzy. I ended up on the floor with her. Holding her warm body against my cold. The contrast making sparks fly. She pressed her lips gently to mine and soon I moved mine in a song with her. I didn't even get what was going on at first. This was too much. Too much good. Too much pure bliss. My brain wouldn't put it into words. She pulled away, too soon, and said "Are you confused now??" I mumbled out something unintelligible and she kissed me again. I spent my first sunrise with her in my arms that July 25th morning.
The next day we went to COSI with Jesse and he didn't believe us so she kissed me in the middle of skully bridge. I think he was a bit jealous of that cuz he stopped us after a few seconds.
The rest of the summer was bliss. Amazing. Undescribable.
One night I was staying at my cousins house. Our friend was with her that night and she told me that Josey had said it was over. I ran up to Tyler's room. I sat in a corner of that room for the rest of that night crying and when I finally felt it was worth waking up again I my hot, tear-stained face and Tyler's favorite childhood toy in my arms. He and Chloe had put me to sleep.
Since then it's been a round and round type of thing but I can't ever keep her off my heart. When I met Sean that night I wasn't expecting anything different. In fact I couldn't stop thinking of the conversation Josey and I before I'd left the house that night. But when I saw him, I don't know what it was. Everything stopped. I couldn't stop sneaking side glances at his face, wondering if I'd ever met him before.
"I was Enchanted to meet you"- Enchanted by Taylor Swift That was the song I listened to on repeat that night.
Exactly one week ago I was thinking about Josey again and I left for our church's camp in. When I got there I went up to my friend Mikey and hugged him. He complimented my newly-dyed hair. We stood there and talked for a while and a blur in blue pajama pants came by us. "Sean???" I automatically asked. The blur didn't hear me but I was sure it was him. A few minutes later my Grandma called us over. It was him and she was talking to his mom. I smile automatically spread across my face and I Alice Cullen-ran up to him and gave him a hug. I'd missed him a lot more than I'd thought. We spent the night just lying on the floor talking. The questions game. After he knew he was driving me absolutely insane and i got freaked by a creepy story he took my hand. The only problem was that Josey had done that just a few hours before and I didn't know if that would amount to anything.
So this is my dilemma. My heart won't let go of her but part of me wants to see if what Sean has to offer is real. He's too young to be hurt. Too fragile. I don't wanna give my broken pieces to anyone and I don't even think they are mine to give. My Kadiebear (amazing sister) says I should take Sean but I don't know..... This could end in so many bad ways with either decision. So tonight this song is on my mind.
Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories baby
Thinking bout everything we've been through
Maybe I've been going back too much lately
When time stood still, and I had you
Come back come back come back to me like you would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside till I came out
Come back come back come back to me like you could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie, you'd be here by now
I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends were laughing
Cause nothing like this ever happened to them
Now I'm pacing down the hall, Chasing down your street
Flashback to the night when you said to me
Nothing's gunna change, not for me and you
Not before I knew how much I had to lose
Come back come back come back to me like you would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside till I came out
Come back come back come back to me like you could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie, you'd be here by now
If you're after if you're someone, if you're moving on
I've been waiting for you since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
I just wanna see you back in my front door
and I say,
Come back come back come back to me like you would before you said it's not that easy
Before the fight
Before I locked you out
But I take it all back now
Come back come back come back to me like you would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside till I came out
Come back come back come back to me like you could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie, you'd be here by now
You'd be here by now
Not the kind of ending you wanna see now
Baby what about the ending? oohhhh..
I thought that you'd be here by now
woahhh.....
<<Signed>>
Traveling Heart
Her Erwin
His TwilightMoment
